


These Souls Never Leave

by vxllanelle1



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst as fuuuck, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:13:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28111458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vxllanelle1/pseuds/vxllanelle1
Summary: Twitter/curiouscat: @vxllanelle11
Relationships: Delphine Cormier/Cosima Niehaus
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	These Souls Never Leave

**Author's Note:**

> Twitter/curiouscat: @vxllanelle11

‘Do you remember our first date, Cosima?’

A small grin cracked through the brunette’s stoic expression at the thought. “Do you mean when you took me to see your boyfriend give a lecture on Neolution? Or when you came over, we confirmed you were straight, and then we had not-straight sex?”

‘I was thinking more along the lines of when we stayed late in our lab, drank wine, and talked until 3am. I count that as our first real date.’

“Oh yeah, and you had to explain to Leekie the red wine stain on your lab coat that you didn’t notice?”

‘Oui, I don’t think he bought my excuses.’

“I mean, it was our office. He couldn’t tell us shit.” Cosima curled into herself a little more from where she was sat on the ground. “Seems like a lifetime ago. Do you remember the little Italian restaurant I used to get you take out from when you were stressed? I wasted so much money in that place.”

‘You didn’t have to.’

“You’d never eat if I didn’t, it was the only thing I could coax you to eat. And you were always stressed, so I definitely had to.” Cosima’s leg bounced away some anxieties.

‘I figured out how to manage my stress levels, didn’t I? We were basically kids back then, a lot has changed since.’

“But you know I still love you as much as I did the first day I saw you, right?”

‘I’d hope so, or I’d have questions.’

There was a pause. The voice came again.

‘It’s getting late, you should head back.’

Cosima stilled her leg, eyes finding the ground. She wanted to protest but she couldn’t deny that the harsh winds were pecking at her skin a little too uncomfortably. “Five more minutes?”

‘Okay. Five more minutes.’

***

_ Are you coming to Alison’s tomorrow night? S _

_ I can’t, I’m seeing Delphine. C _

_ Alright, give her my best. Maybe next time? S _

_ Yeah, maybe. C _

_ How is everyone? C _

_ We’re all good here, though Kira’s been asking for auntie Cosima a lot. S _

_ I think she needs some respite from auntie Alison. S _

_ In fact I think I need some respite from auntie Alison. S _

_ Yeah, I get that. C _

_ How’s Felix? C _

_ Good, as far as I know. He took Adele for a trip to England so it’s just Kira and I for the time being. S _

_ How’re you healing up? S _

_ Fine. C _

_ Have the doctors said anything? S _

_ I might need surgery on my leg if it deteriorated further, but that’s for another time. C _

_ I got the results of my x-ray and they said they got all the shrapnel they could see. C _

_ That’s good. You should be taking it easy though. S _

_ I am. C _

_ Like, ‘on bed rest’ taking it easy. Don’t let your leg get worse. S _

_ Did they talk about any other treatments? S _

_ What do you mean? C _

_ It doesn’t matter, I need to go. I’ll catch up with you later. C _

***

“You know what I’ve always wanted to do? A huge road trip with you. Across Europe, across Canada, I don’t care. Just somewhere we can go and keep going.”

‘I think our careers have us being a little too busy for something like that.’

“Yeah, I always figured it’d be a bit unrealistic.”

‘I mean, it also begs the question: are you running from something or towards something?’

“It’s too late to be thinking that deep Delphine.” Her leg bounced, trying not to think too much on the matter. “You know I always wanted to go visit Lille with you?”

‘Really?’

Cosima nodded weakly, hardly enough to be noticeable. “I know Paris is the place you’re supposed to go to be romantic, but I always loved the idea of you showing me where you used to call home.”

‘That would be nice, actually.’

“Sarah said Felix took his sister to visit England, it just made me think about how we’ve never done it before.” A hand came up to press Cosima’s glasses back up her nose, dusting off some dirt from her palm. “I need to start bringing a blanket to sit on. I keep getting my clothes dirty and sitting around on the grass is going to kill my allergies when summer comes around.”

‘I’m sorry I can’t make you more comfortable, mon amour.’

“It’s okay. As long as I’m with you, everything else is just minor. I’ll bring a blanket and some of that fancy French champagne you like next time, I think we still have a bottle in our fridge I haven’t dared touch.” She tugged at the cardigan over she shoulders to trap some extra warmth.

‘You’re cold.’

“It’s fine, I just should have worn something thicker.”

‘You should go, it’s going to be cold out tonight.’

“I don’t want to go yet.”

’You’ve been here over two hours.’

”Not yet.”

‘Cosima-‘

“Five more minutes?”

‘...Okay. Five more minutes.’

***

_ The cops have ruled it an accident. S _

_ How did you find out? C _

_ Art called me when they couldn’t get a hold of you, I figured you must have been at the hospital or taking a nap or something. S _

_ Yeah, I was taking a nap. I’ve not been sleeping good. C _

_ You could probably mention that to your doctors and they could get you some help with it. S _

_ It’s fine, my sleep schedule is just whack at the moment. C _

_ I have another appointment tomorrow, would you be able to take me? I can get a cab if you’re busy. C _

_ No, of course. What time? S _

_ I need to be there for 3pm. C _

_ Alright, I’ll be at yours for 2:15? S _

_ Sounds good, thank you. C _

***

‘Do you remember much of the lab blast?’

The mere reminder sent a spike of terror down Cosima’s spine. She’d later pass it off as a casual chill from the winds of the open air grounds where she now spent her evenings. She’d fools herself back into thinking she was coping better than she actually was. “Not really.” Cosima answered with a shrug. “I remember blacking out, then I remember waking up in a hospital. I don’t even remember the blast or being knocked out. I just... Was. Then I wasn’t. And then I woke up in a hospital.”

Cosima took a drink from the flute of champagne, eyes landing on Delphine’s untouched glass stood in front of the brunette. “I don’t want to think about it. In fact I saw a lab on a TV show last night and it caused a full blown panic attack.”

‘Oh, mon amour...’

“It’s fine, really. It happened like, what, a month ago? Two months ago? I guess it still counts as pretty fresh trauma.”

‘I’m sorry I can’t be there to comfort you. Are you having nightmares?’

“Constantly.” She admitted, wiping a stray tear from her cheek. “I haven’t slept properly since I was in the hospital, I get too scared to go to sleep. The only-“

Cosima cut herself off, feeling a sob wedge in her throat as more tears formed. She took a moment to compose herself. “The only reason I go to bed every night is because I see those last few moments in the lab when I close my eyes. In the darkness I can look up and across to you. I can picture how you looked, how your curls were so picturesque and how your skin glowed under a dim November sun. And when I close my eyes, I can remember the feeling of my heart swelling as I saw you and thought ‘I am so in love with her’. And I remember the last time things were okay.”

***

_ Hey, I’m done at the hospital. Are you okay to pick me up? C _

_ Gimme like fifteen minutes to walk Kira to Alison’s and I’ll set off. S _

_ Okay. C _

_ Did they say much? S _

_ Just that I’ll definitely need surgery on my leg now. C _

_ Goddamn it Cos. S _

_ I told you to take it easy. S _

_ It’s fine, I probably would have needed it anyway. C _

_ He prescribed me so sleeping tablets too and booked another appointment in a week. C _

_ So you talked to him about the fact you can’t sleep? S _

_ I mean, not explicitly. He could just tell I looked rough so he kept asking about it. C _

_ Eventually I just caved and told him I’d been sleeping kind of bad. C _

_ Could you drop me off to see Delphine? I’ll get a cab home after I’ve seen her, I don’t want to keep you waiting. C _

_ I don’t know if you should be seeing her so much, Cos. S _

_ I mean, even if I drive you there, you still have to walk more than you should be to get to her. S _

_ I’m not just going to not see her. C _

_ Look, just tonight, come spend the night at mine instead. S _

_ I can’t, she needs me. C _

_ Cos... S _

_ It doesn’t matter, I’ll just call an Uber. C _

_ This isn’t good for you. Not just physically, mentally too. S _

_ I don’t care. C _

***

‘You seem troubled.’

“Yeah, I guess you could say that.” She said, settling her blanket down on the grass before sitting atop of the fabric.

‘Talk to me?’

There was a pause before Cosima found it in herself to speak up. “Things are just so fucking hard, Delphine.” Her voice cracked as soon as the words were breathed out into nothing. Tears glossed over her eyes with the woman not bothering to wipe them away.

‘Just let it out. Bit by bit, just say what you’re thinking.’

Words didn’t leave Cosima’s mouth. Instead, the most heart wrenching cries and desperate whines accompanied the tears now rapidly streaking down her cheeks.

Cosima curled into herself, glasses discarded to the side as her she buried her face into her frozen palms. Her body trembled, throat scratched and raw from the pure hurt leaving her body.

It took a few moments, but Cosima managed to soothe herself to the point of being able to speak, though not entirely legible. “It hurts so bad, oh my god.”

She tried to release some of the stress from her tired muscles, but remained curled in on herself. “I swing so violently between feeling hurt and feeling numb that I can’t tell which is better anymore.”

Focusing in on her breathing, her head finally came up. “Everything hurts and I don’t know how to get better. I don’t want to talk about it, so I just internalise it and in the end it just hurts even more. The only thing that takes away the pain just a little is playing out these stupid conversations we’re never going to have. I feel like I’m going crazy, Delphine.”

There was silence. Cosima picked up on a couple of trees rustling behind her, but not much more. She stayed with her head bowed slightly, trying to calm the sobbing rattling her body.

‘Call Sarah. Get her to pick you up and get you somewhere safe.’

“No, no.” She cried, finally looking up. The tears blurring her vision cleared, leaving Cosima’s eyes to settle on the headstone stood in front of her baring her girlfriend’s name.

“Five more minutes.”


End file.
